As a society we often use the phrase “if you need anything let me know!” We use this statement when we hear of a friend, or even an acquaintance, going through something difficult or when they have an illness. It is such a common place expression of care that it is also said to those who are grieving or have experienced significant trauma. What we have failed to realize about this expression is that it emotionally releases the person making it of all responsibility to follow-up or show support if they are not contacted. A release of liability so to speak.
When you place the communication burden of responsibility at the feet of a person who is already significantly overwhelmed you are basically telling them to save themselves when they feel like they are drowning. It’s like throwing them a suggestion box instead of a life preserver and asking them to let you know how they can be saved.
Your intent may be to be helpful, but really you are only making things worse and satisfying your own need to feel like you’ve done something, not their need to be supported.
Many times we, the people who have gone through significant trauma and continue to live in fight or flight due to their circumstances, cannot think through what would be helpful. Our brain is so wrapped up in how we survive and take care of what we have to take care of that any other thought is incoherent most of the time. The things that come to our mind that we need help with you could never do. It is our lot in life.
Maybe try making a list of things you think would be helpful (trying to use their perspective not your own) and send it to them to review in their own time and discretion so you will have it later. Or make a meal and drop it off without any expectation of conversation to take some of the extra burden off their plate.
Support comes without strings, updates, explanations or opinions.
It’s just love how the person needs it.
Not the way you need it.
