Let’s talk about “Grief Ghosting.”
Grief Ghosting is when someone cuts off communication with another because they are uncomfortable with the pain and grief that person is experiencing. This refusal, and subsequent abandonment, to experience discomfort or awkwardness in order to provide the love and support their person needs leads to distancing in the relationship and eventual disconnection.
We live in a “look out for self” world that hates dealing with pain and being uncomfortable in any way. When hardship hits we want the easiest and fastest way out!
So when a friend or loved one goes through a trauma or loss, feeling deep emotional pain, we can feel an array of emotions usually all wrapped around how it makes us feel. We can feel like running away, trying to help them fix the problem, trying to help them get over it quickly, trying to help them see the bright side so they are not sad, or a host of other feelings all with our self at the core instead of the other person. This happens because we have no idea what to do, what to say and we sure don’t want to feel it ourselves! When we are with this person we feel sad and we don’t like feeling sad so we think about what to do to eliminate it.
All of this, when acted upon, creates more trauma and grief for the person going through pain.
Parents of children with complex medical needs take into themselves the pain and suffering our children go through. It is our life. It won’t change for most of us. Having someone try and fix it or tell us what to be grateful for makes us stop talking and shut down all together.
When supporting someone who is grieving or in pain remember to “acknowledge not fix,” “support not change.” Also remember that grief has no timeline. You don’t grieve and then move on. People who grieve have experienced profound loss that has changed who they are as a person. That doesn’t end.
I’ve included quotes from other medical parents on how “grief ghosting” and “fixing” makes them feel and/or what they wish you knew.
If you are seeing this as a person trying to support someone in pain, please remember to put yourself and your own feelings aside and focus on what the other person needs. AND please don’t disappear because you feel uncomfortable with pain, don’t know what to say, don’t know how to help, etc etc. We need you. We may not be able to tell you what We need (that’s overwhelming and shouldn’t be our responsibility with the heaviness we are already dealing with) but that doesn’t mean we want you to stop trying.
“It’s isolating. Makes me feel like I can’t share. Makes it hard to make new friends.”
“For my family, our situation will never change. It’s chronic illness and there is not a cure.”
“Those in grief aren’t looking to be fixed. Just supported.”
“Abandoned by them. They don’t get it.”
